I fancy myself to be something of a free spirit. I've lived a lot of my years as a nomad, moving from job to job, house to house, relationship to relationship. I said I couldn't work for someone else, so had my own business for 14 years. I said I didn't like structure, so I set my own schedule, worked partial days most of the time, built in my time off. I said I wasn't hardwired for monogamy and settling down, so I slipped and sloshed through relationships, not fully engaged.
Sometime in my late forties that all started to change. I still don't know if I got old and tired, started getting some wisdom, or finally grew up. I came out of the closet. I got a "real" job. I committed myself to being honest with someone I was romantically involved with.
Does this mean I lost my free-spiritedness? I'm not sure.
What I do know is that I have found out how much easier and more satisfying it is to tell my truth. How much less fearful I am when I'm honest and willing. How much more serene I am when I don't try to control anybody else.
Structure? I like knowing what I'm going to do next, for the most part.
Schedule? If the sheets are always changed on Sunday, they're always fresh on Monday.
Stability? My family knows where to find me when they need something.
How about trust and dependability? When I say I'll do something, I usually do it if I possibly can. And I'm not covering my tracks about anything.
The past two days have been out of the norm, away from safety and predictability and structure. Since the tornado came through on Saturday, I've felt like my brain is wrapped in cotton. It's hard to do more than one thing at a time, hard to plan ahead, hard to follow through. Every small thing seems difficult when there's no electricity, I can't go to the fridge or the stove to fix supper, I can't follow my usual routines.
At the same time, it's a pause. There's no tv. No movies. No internet. For awhile, no cell phones even. My world has shrunk down to our house and yard, except for a few forays out for medical care or coffee shop networking. Yesterday afternoon, we sat out on the deck just talking and sipping water (no ice!), planning what to do with the downed tree, watching the electric company workers and their big machines. Last night, we put candles around the living room and played mancala for the first time in years. It was fun!
As for my free spirit, I think in many ways it is freer now than it ever was. My mind ranges widely, I read and think. Few things are so urgent they need immediate attention.
I feel as though I am rising and soaring to unknown regions.
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