I've been giving some thought to the nature of denial. I ought to --- I've been practicing it all my life. The earliest example I can remember is when I was five years old and cut off all my hair. I was horrified at finding myself surrounded by my shorn locks, so I swept them under the bookcase and hid the scissors. That took care of that! It baffled me completely that my mother knew what I had done the instant she saw me.
That was me. In the face of all evidence to the contrary, I could deny till I was blue in the face. Of course, as I grew older and ran through all of Piaget's stages of cognitive development, my experiences with denial became more subtle, and much more inwardly directed. I always had an explanation, at least to myself, no matter what other people might see.
I now believe that a certain amount of denial is rooted in ignorance. When I was 5, I didn't understand that my mother would see the results of my behavior, even if I hid the evidence. Lack of understanding and lack of experience can result in some pretty stubborn denial. And not everybody grows out of it. All the ex-drunks in the room, raise your hand if you ever hid your drinking. Uh-huh. Like people wouldn't know if they couldn't see the bottle.
I knew enough about cause and effect to realize that when a person drinks too much alcohol, she will get drunk. After I experienced that for myself a few times, I even knew what it felt like. What I was ignorant of was exactly what a blackout was, and the emotional and psychological effects of frequent inebriation on a person's development. I'm not saying that knowledge would have stopped me, but it is hard to recognize something you don't know exists.
Most of us have enormous reservoirs of unexamined beliefs and half-formed ideas. Given time, these can become codified into rigid systems of thought and behavior that seem to be laws of the universe. People who are lazy, stupid, loud,irresponsible,poor, *** (fill in your favorites) are BAD. That's not a judgment; it's truth. People who are thrifty, organized, clean, wealthy, religious, *** (fill in your favorites) are GOOD. Truth. Undisputed. Starting point.
I was astonished to find myself, a few years ago, in a heated discussion with someone who didn't believe it was right to teach children about world peace, or how to be peaceful. It raised my blood pressure (because I was so OBVIOUSLY RIGHT) but hearing the words "world peace" nearly made her apoplectic. She was certain that it was outside the realm of possibility and completely irresponsible to even talk about it. She even accused me of wearing rose-colored glasses! We couldn't have been further apart and finally had to walk away before we both had strokes over it.
So is that related to the same denial that got me in trouble when I was 5, that kept me drinking until I qualified for a twelve step program? I was clinging to my own construct of the world for dear life regardless of anything anyone else could say. Isn't that denial? Holding a position until the ultimate end --- death? --- being "right" at any cost to self or others ---- some people call that holding onto principles, standing your ground, being strong. It all smells like some form of denial to me.
All of this comes to mind right now because of the rancor in our political system, and in the world at large. I have found over the years, slowly and painfully, that even when something is obviously awful and harmful, there is a nugget of truth in it, a starting point, a point at which it could have gone another direction. That's true for my own behavior, and I think it's probably true for most everything else. Since I don't give much credence to predestination, and see this as a dynamic, evolving universe, everything appears to me to be in process all the time. That's what makes sense to me. And if that is the case, everything changes, even (or especially) the things I don't want to change. If the wind is blowing so hard that it threatens to blow me away, it's not going to change things for me to close my eyes and put my fingers in my ears and pretend it's not happening. But there might be some action I could take that would accommodate the condition as well as save my skin.
This morning Jill and I were discussing the most recent news items we had come across. She is passionate and has no patience for obstructionism. When I ventured the observation that maybe some of the people she views negatively may have conviction behind their actions, may believe they are truly doing what must be done for the good of all, she wasn't very receptive, to say the least. That's ok. Her passionate nature is one of the things I love about her.
But it made me think again about all of us in this classroom of life, and of the nature of reality and denial. I once thought everybody drank like I did. Come to find out, some do, some don't. I was completely convinced that the vast majority of people were unfaithful to their spouses. Ummmmm. Turns out that might be a bit of an exaggeration.
When I am sure that the country is going to hell in a handbasket because of the misguided actions and beliefs of a solid portion of the electorate and officials, there is the slightest possibility that I might be inflating the danger. Maybe. Maybe not. But I have a lifetime history of bolstering my view of reality with ideas and beliefs that turn out to be problematic.
I think in this instance it behooves me to wear the world lightly, and not take any of it too seriously. There are helpful things I can do, where my conscience urges me to take action. Those things are here, now ---- just like the rest of my life. But the world has been around for a long time and I've got maybe 20 or 30 good years left at most. I don't want to spend them with my head up my ass (in denial) or chasing my tail (unreflective action).
As I am often reminded, I am always at choice. I don't get to choose all the outside circumstances of my life, but I DO get to choose how I respond to them. I get to choose my thoughts, my actions, and even my feelings. I certainly get to choose my judgments and opinions. Hand me the rose-colored glasses. That's what I choose today.
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