In the midst of chaos and pain, new life is born. I left my job 6 weeks ago to seek some sanity and mental health. I tell people that I had a good, old-fashioned, nervous breakdown --- perhaps that's true. The immediate relief of being out of the rapids and the whirlpool that is my teaching job, has deepened into exactly what I was hoping for, though I didn't have the words for it at the time.
I wanted to find solid ground to stand upon.
I wanted to reclaim the quieter parts of myself.
I wanted to be able to see the wonder again.
When I left the building on January 28, though, all I wanted was to be able to stop crying and have my eye stop twitching all the time. I would have settled for that.
This time has given me the opportunity to remember:
I am not my job.
It is necessary to sleep.
Relaxing is not being lazy.
I cannot singlehandedly save anybody, even myself.
Life without joy will become a life of burden, guilt, shame, and fatigue.
And that's only the beginning.
I named this blog "Winding Down" because I felt like I was winding down the career part of my life, headed into retirement. Now it feels much more like "Opening Up"!
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