Ever since the Ray Rice story broke and people discovered intimate partner abuse, I have been troubled. Not because it shouldn't be talked about. I welcome the conversation. It's long overdue. What troubles me is my friend, Joanna.
Some of my avid readers (!) may remember this post about Joanna's arrest. Her husband was found murdered and she was arrested the next day. Everyone who knew her was shocked; it seemed like a terrible nightmare. She has been in Wake County Jail ever since, awaiting trial. The trial date is set for January 19, 2015.
As her friend and mentor, I have been in continuous communication since she was incarcerated. Over the past fifteen months, we have corresponded by mail, by weekly phone calls, and a few video visits. Most of her very limited visitation time is reserved for her children.
During the course of this ongoing conversation, we have explored ---- without going into details of the events of June 15 ----- what brought her to this place in life. Domestic abuse and dependence play heavily into her life story.
When we see the video of Ray Rice hitting and dragging his partner out the elevator, it is shocking in a visceral way. There is no avoiding how violent it is, how wrong. But as horrible as physical violence is ---- and no one disputes that ---- it is not the only form of abuse which occurs in "private" situations. The ramifications of verbal and sexual abuse, mental cruelty, isolation and threat of violence reach far into families and relationships. They don't leave visible marks. They are easy to dismiss as lapses of temper or judgment, isolated instances rather than a systematic pattern of control and terrorization. They can have terrible consequences.
I am fortunate not to be among the 1 in 3 American women to suffer intimate partner abuse. It crosses all lines of wealth, age, social position, race, religion, and education. Sociologists, psychologists, law enforcement, medical providers and clergy have probed and debated the causes and response to domestic violence for many years. I have no idea, even after doing some of my own research over the past year, whether we're any closer to understanding and finding effective prevention or treatments for people whose lives are shattered by the many faces of this problem. I do know that it will never be "one size fits all."
Joanna has told me she was ashamed for anyone to know what was happening behind closed doors. She felt unworthy and embarrassed, as though she'd been taken in and made a fool of. Who ever wants to admit they've been conned, right? But that shame, combined with fear of consequences, provided fertile ground for tragedy.
Her story will come out. It will be hashed in the media, as situations like this always are. Everyone who watches or reads the news will have opinions and beliefs about the case. It will be adjudicated and whatever comes of that will be the new condition for her and for all the people touched by those terrible events. Two families and countless friends were devastated by Jose's death and Joanna's incarceration. None of them will ever be quite the same.
It happens every day in this country. How many more?
If you want to get involved: enoughnc.org
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