With age comes wisdom, so they say. I just celebrated the 64th anniversary of my birth. I told my mother, as she sat in her wheelchair staring blankly, that 64 years ago she had her first baby, and it was me. I didn't take it personally that she had no idea what I was talking about. She did smile at me before the visit ended, though.
I've been considering the difference between what I know and what I believe. I'm not the first person ever to do that ----- that much I know. I do wonder what the relationship is between my beliefs and what I perceive as reality, though.
In my Qigong class yesterday, we had a guided meditation followed by movement and postures designed to optimize letting go of blockages, opening the way for chi to flow. I do this three times a week, and have done for more than a year. During that time, I've experienced changes in myself, mainly of the invisible sort. My sense of well-being has expanded considerably.
But yesterday, I felt newly challenged to look at the beliefs that carve me out of everything else. If I take up space ---- and I take up a lot more space than I used to ----- that means there's an Out There and an In Here. At least, that's how it seems to me. But what if it's not as simple as that? What if my configuration of molecules and cells and blood and guts is an outpicturing of my tightly held beliefs? It gets slippery here.
There was a time, about 50 years ago, when I believed strongly that any grade below a B meant that I was hopelessly stupid and not just a failure, but a total loser. When I worked as hard as I knew how and still got a D in Algebra, I fell apart. I felt doomed, embarrassed, stained with an indelible mark. I couldn't conceive of any other interpretation of that grade on a report card. I was a failure at math. Forever. That belief, from a single class, had long term repercussions --- I could not risk taking a math class in college. I scoured the catalog and chose a major that didn't involve any more than "Kiddie Math" ---- a math methods class for elementary teachers.
There have been many, many instances like that, beliefs that shaped who I experience myself to be based on nothing more substantial than other people's judgments. The most enduring has been circumference. To this day, deep inside, I can't argue myself out of the belief that somehow I have failed in life because I'm not a size 5.
The meditation on Friday opened a little window on that, though. If it is a long-ingrained, universally reinforced belief, isn't it possible, in theory at least, to unbelieve it? In fact, isn't that the only relief there is? A never-ending thought loop is the tightest prison I know. It feeds itself perpetually and is ultimately connected to nothing in "real" life because it all happens inside my head.
It's been about 3 weeks since I had a long talk with my dear friend Sharon about coming into our own as Crones ---- claiming our wisdom and growth without false modesty and self-deprecation. There is a great deal to be said for living long enough to learn some things, and that's what we've done and are still doing. We can reap the rewards of increased serenity, peace of mind, acceptance and yes, a slower pace. Things are not so urgent anymore. Thank Goodness!
It is not inconceivable that one day I will be in my mother's position. I don't expect it. I no longer spend much time worrying about it. But I'm not in la-la land, either. Both of my parents had Alzheimer's Disease, which may well increase my odds.
Therefore, in my mid-sixties, the time I have left is more precious than ever. Each day is fresh. There are no throw-away days. That doesn't mean I have to live in some sort of pressure cooker attempt to By God Enjoy Every Minute. That would be the exact opposite of what's called for. It actually means that I have the awareness and wisdom to focus on the present. I'm not out to save the world. I'm happy sweeping my own piece of the planet.
I've decided to engage in some thought experiments, letting those life and happiness denying beliefs slide away. Through recognition, challenges, and continuing the meditative and movement practices I already have, I can shape my thoughts and beliefs. Nobody else can. I'll be like Bill Cosby with his old joke about his kids: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
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