Adult Development 101

The other day I was talking about families and kids with my daughter-in-law. They have chosen not to have children which, even in this enlightened century, goes against the grain. It is interesting to me to hear the pressures, subtle and not, that are directed toward a couple who are well-educated, prosperous and don't want kids. She says they find themselves being odd-man-out all the time. They also reap a certain amount of envy and resentment from people who are raising children.

Our conversation got me thinking about choices in a new way. Every new baby represents possibility at birth. Who will this new being turn out to be? If you are a parent, or involved with babies and kids in any capacity, it's natural to speculate about the child's future. When my son was 15, I wondered if he was going to turn into a misogynistic serial killer. He wore black, listened to terrible, violent music, and wouldn't come out of his room. It didn't happen. He's a caring, careful physician now and he loves his mama, and adores his wife.  As for my daughter, she seemed destined to a life of disorganization and chaos, judging by her school career. Yet here she is, running a museum, supervising people, researching and learning. And she keeps me in stitches on the phone several times a week. We have conversations I couldn't have with anybody else.

As a teacher, I reminded myself that every class of 22 was a sample ---- which kid would turn out to be gay? Which would die before growing old? Which would become wealthy, go on food stamps, go in the military, go to jail? Even in first grade, they had some very established personality and nervous system traits that would affect their eventual outcomes. But they were also developing, malleable, open to suggestion and influence. Actually, teaching ---- and parenting ---- are pretty awesome responsibilities for nurturing the next generation.

But my conversation with Aury also made me think about adult development. Everybody knows that children are under construction, but what about adults? What makes us become the people we are by the end of life? Because I know that I'm not the same person I was at 25 or 45 or even last year. So there is still development going on, thank goodness.

I think about the people I know who have attained ages in their 80s and 90s. There is a perception that once people are adults, they pretty much keep the characteristics they already have. But that's not true. Every stage of life has its own unique challenges, and people change in response to them. Yes, maybe there is a baseline --- someone who has been introverted and withdrawn since infancy is not likely to become a party girl at 70. There's even some evidence that optimism/pessimism may have a neurological basis that is acted upon by life.

But I'm thinking mostly about people I grew up with. Somehow or another, we're all getting older at the same rate, but we're not aging the same. You know the stereotypes about the elderly: the sweet little old lady, the curmudgeonly old man, the complaints, the stinginess, the childishness, the difficulty learning new things, the CRS (can't remember shit) ---- all with some seeds of truth, but none with universal application. There is much variation in how we age. So what causes that?

Just as we look at a child and wonder who they will become, we can look at our spouses, parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, friends, and wonder who they will become late in life. I have two former husbands and I can look at each of them and see who I would have been living with, had I kept following those paths. I have some friends I've known since we were children, I can look at my cousins and my siblings, and I sometimes shake my head in wonder. Would I have predicted 50 years ago who would turn out to be a hermit, holed up and having to be coaxed out? Who would still be singing and dancing onstage? Who would jump out of an airplane or climb a mountain to celebrate a late 80s birthday? Would I have predicted my own arrival at this waystation --- not the end, by any means, but moving down the track with more wonder and delight than I've had since I was a little girl?

I love to see the adults my own two children have grown into. It fills me with satisfaction, pride and a great deal of love. At the same time, I also wonder what kind of old people they will be.

By now, I have a new perspective. It's very different to promise to love, honor and cherish someone when you're 18, or even 31, like I did. It's another thing to do so at 50 or 60. I can't see into the future, I can't predict events or illnesses. But I have a clearer picture of who I am continuing to grow into, and I have the joy of being part of Jill's journey, as well. Together, we get to step into the future and become the distinctive old broads we're meant to be. Pretty damn good, if you ask me.