Due to the unexpected departure of the current monarch, this position will be filled with all due haste. The successful candidate will be well-versed in management techniques, crowd control, supervisory experience, caretaking, and rescue operations, as well as mindreading, prophecy and fortunetelling.
This position requires extraordinary attention to the problems, complaints, whining, and ramblings of everyone in her presence. She will be expected to listen avidly, assess and evaluate quickly, and react compassionately, while maintaining an unassailable attitude of understanding and acceptance. Her advice and solutions should always be followed by her subjects, hence the necessity that she be held to the highest level of competence. There is no room for error; consequences of failure are severe.
While the requirements are stringent, the benefits are generous. The successful Queen is held in the highest esteem, at least until her plan is is undermined by wayward subjects. Presiding as Queen of the Universe allows the monarch to avoid the discomfort of recognizing any of her own problems or concerns, encourages the concealment of her own shortcomings and doubts from general knowledge, and provides ample diversion from attending to her determined goals and dreams. The most gratifying perquisite of this position is the unobstructed illusion of control over people and circumstances of all description.
Compensation is commensurate with the expectations and experience of the candidate. Busybodies and martyrs need not apply.
I QUIT!
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