Yesterday, I finally approved the printed copy of my novel, The New Women. It took three proofs and lots of changes and corrections, but I think it's more or less done. IT'S NOT PERFECT. I've been over it and over it, but I know in my heart there are mistakes. I'm trying to let that go.
I thought approving the proof would be the last step in making it available for purchase, but I was woefully, dreadfully wrong. I have yet to 'personalize my estore' or figure out how to put up images. Do you have any idea how long that will take me to figure out? Let's just say that it's a good thing I'm retired.
Growing into something or somebody new has its aches and pains. Every step I'm taking on the road to publication has a steep learning curve and hidden headaches. I somehow got the idea when I was growing up, that I was already supposed to know things before I learned them. The learning process was just to smooth it out and make it perfect. Perfection was required.
I have since been able to convince myself of the futility of that position, though sometimes it still catches me unawares. The corollary of that is, if you can't get it perfect, it wasn't meant to be, like algebra or drawing faces. You didn't need to do that anyway.
It's an odd conundrum, and I know where it came from (Thanks, Dad) but still I let it hold power over me. So let me start fresh.
Computers are like cars or blenders. You turn them on and hit the right buttons and they do what you want them to do. If, for some odd reason, they don't behave as expected (yes, I'm very big on anthropomorphizing machinery) you take them to the Expert. The Fixer Person performs some sort of esoteric hidden spell and you're back in business. Or else, with a doleful countenance, the Expert pronounces it unable-to-be-revived, and it is up to you to dispose of the remains. That's a whole 'nother can of worms.
I want to be able to do what needs to be done without having to spend hours at a stretch staring at the screen, retracing my steps, and consulting help screens that are as incomprehensible as the task itself. In other words, I want some MAGIC!
In my perfect world, all I would have to do is think it and SNIP! SNAP! there it is on the screen. If it doesn't look the way I thought it would, another wave of the wand and it changes. Unfortunately, (to my way of thinking) the Universe doesn't work that way. I get to learn sooooooo many more lessons than computer basics. Patience. Perseverance. Tolerance of Frustration. Owning my own feelings.
Last night, after working her second of four weekly 10 hour shifts, Jill unsuspectingly walked into a hornet's nest. For all of the wisdom I could dispense by text messages to her at work, when it came to my own self, the Harridan took over. Distracted. Resentful. Petulant. Impatient. All she wanted was supper --- not an unreasonable expectation at 6:30 PM. I've spent the entire day on the couch with a computer in my lap, after sleeping in till 10. How can she expect so much?
And so the Old Woman took over the New Woman and I had amends to make. Friends assure me that I'm just human. I expect that is true. If I didn't have my ups and downs and pains and being a pain in the ass sometimes, I would never be able to create human characters in my books. And that is what I like to do best.
So there you go. New, Old, Petticoats or Purple Socks ----
Let's hear it for being Human!
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